Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Cliff Notes From the Kvetchy Blogger

[Disclosure: I freely admit that I wrote the following post out of 100% unadulterated jealousy that gossipy/slandering blogs are much more popular than mine.]

Tired of writing meaningful posts? Spending too much time researching facts? Annoyed at the need for introspection, the careful choice of words, the self-discipline to not generalize about others? Depressed about how all of this effort garners you just a handful of regular readers, and a few tepid comments?

I have the perfect answer for you - secret, undercover agents have sold me the "Cliff Notes" from everyone's favorite, the ever popular Kvetchy Blogger. Yes, you've read correctly, the formula for giving your anemic readership the virtual viagra it needs to reach new heights on your sitemeter is right here. Just download the following and choose from the options given, and presto! the surefire way to attract new readers.

I Hate *%#@^

I really hate (choose one of the following) (black hat Jews/secular Jews/liberal Jews/conservative Jews/Jewish settlers/Jewish bloggers).

They think they are SOOOOO PERFECT!

Well, I am here to tell you that they AREN'T.

I heard from (choose one of the following) (my psychotic neighbor/the investigative report in the National Enquirer/an annonymous e-mail/a note slipped under my cell door) that (fill in choice from above) really HATE (choose one of the following) (black hat Jews/secular Jews/liberal Jews/conservative Jews/Jewish settlers/Jewish bloggers).

They are such HYPOCRITES!

*Whew* I feel much better now! How about you?

Yes, folks that's it! Fast and easy. Try it today, and enjoy comments on your blog like these:

Dear Kvetchy Blogger,

Wow! I also hate *%#@^. I always feel so much better after reading your blog that I've called my doctor and cancelled my psychotherapy sessions. Thanks, you've changed my life...



This country would be a hell of a lot better off with another million bloggers like you. I also hate *%#@^, and after I finish my six-pack I'm getting my shotgun and hunting some down...


Dear Kvetchy (I can call you Kvetchy, right?),

I love a man who can blog so well! There is something so macho about it... My phone number is 555-1234. Maybe we can get together and you can show me some of your blogging tips?


Dear Mr. Kvetchy Blogger,

I must confess, your blog has been an inspiration. I also hate *%#@^, and think they are a danger to the very foundations of our freedom in this country. You have convinced me that I, and the rest of the intellectual elite, have to act. I am calling my lawyer today and bringing a lawsuit....

With admiration,
Professor Ivory Tower

Yo KB!

You da bomb! You rock my world! You go girl!

What's my name again?


Blogger Unknown said...

LOL. I thoroughly enjoyed this... even if it may have been partially directed at me.

This is where I say... "This blogosphere would be a hell of a lot better off with another million bloggers like you. I also hate Kvetchy Bloggers, and after I finish my latest rant I'm going to join you in an "outing" quest..."

1:23 PM, June 27, 2006  
Blogger Jameel @ The Muqata said...

Reminds me of the worst children's book of all time; "The Kvetchit"

I should blog about that sometime ;-)

4:45 PM, June 27, 2006  
Blogger Jack Steiner said...

Need some cheese to go with that whine. ;)

The Kvetchit?

8:12 PM, June 27, 2006  
Blogger Stavorinus said...

keep posting. love to hear ral news from israél.



8:32 PM, June 27, 2006  
Blogger tafka PP said...

Psychotic neighbour? Or Psychic Neighbour? Or both?!

9:20 PM, June 27, 2006  
Blogger have popcorn will lurk said...

"HEY! That's MY phone number!! How did you get it??? I'm suing you!!!!!"


10:16 PM, June 27, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Popularity can be fleeting stuff, and this is not directed at any of the commenters here for certain.

How many readers does it take to justify a high quality blog no matter how the visit counts add up?

If we take Avraham as an example from the bible, not many. Keep trucking, I'm in the same boat and only if you cut off my arms today will I perhaps consider stopping blogging for Israel.

Don't let frustration matter on any level, we are reading and we're out there. This post seems like a positive way of handling it lol

1:47 AM, June 28, 2006  
Blogger westbankmama said...

Ezzie - you must know that this is not directed at you. As a matter of fact it is not directed at one particular blogger, just the genre

jameel - sounds like a book I'll pass on

jack - even mama sometimes sings the blues

stavorinus - welcome to my blog

tafka - I meant psychotic (not exactly a reliable source)

chana - are you getting phone calls yet?

saus - This phenomenon is annoying to me, but I wouldn't stop blogging because of it! I write for the personal pleasure, and the attention is nice but not necessary.

7:37 AM, June 28, 2006  
Blogger SnoopyTheGoon said...

It was a great one, WBM. If I may say so.

(I have checked, and it appears I may indeed).


P.S. and 555 1234 is my phone number and not chana's.

5:36 PM, June 28, 2006  
Blogger Unknown said...

I didn't mean directed at me (I'm not that popular :) ), I just thought it may have been brought about by an exchange on my blog...

8:57 AM, June 29, 2006  
Blogger bec said...

uh oh.
were you reading my archives again?

12:08 AM, June 30, 2006  
Blogger AbbaGav said...

If I go on vacation, I can see who I'm going to have to ask to guest blog for me. But of course with this kind of talent your dance card might already be full. :)

Very funny, and still on target. A combo I love. Great work.

5:02 PM, June 30, 2006  
Blogger westbankmama said...

snoopy - thank you very much

ezzie - yes, I was "inspired" by you this time around!

bec - no, but should I?

gavriel - I am sure that I have aborbed a lot from reading your blog! Thanks for the compliment...

7:11 AM, July 02, 2006  
Blogger Fern @ Life on the Balcony said...

"How many readers does it take to justify a high quality blog no matter how the visit counts add up?

If we take Avraham as an example from the bible, not many."

Saus, I assume you're talking about Sodom and Gomorrah, and if so, I was thinking the same thing when I read this post! A "good" blog might positively affect someone's life (and is valuable even if it only changes one life), but a blog that only complains and belittles doesn't improve anyone's life, and if anything, makes its readers' lives worse.

1:16 PM, July 02, 2006  
Blogger kasamba said...

LOL_ loved it!
If you want to kvetch about kvetchers- you can kvetch to me anytime!!!

1:12 PM, July 03, 2006  
Blogger westbankmama said...

Fern - I agree with you. Everyone has the right to rant once in a while, but making it your sole blog experience is wrong.

kasamba - glad you like it!

6:13 PM, July 03, 2006  
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